Saturday, May 3, 2014

Better to Have Loved and Lost...

My Man,

I'm writing to you during the final flight carrying me home to America. And you're one of the only things I've thought about all day. The Jamaica chapter of my life is closing, of coming to an end. But the pages of the chapters to come will be laced with the remnants--the things, experiences, circumstances, and people--who have become such a part of my life.

Last night was such a sweet, gentle, real last time. While we promised each other to not compare, you have certainly set the standard high.

When I used to take my neighbor girls to the play field in the evenings, our cue to go home was when the clouds started turning colors. This also happens to be my favorite part of each day: gazing upward to see each uniquely painted evening sky as a reminder, a gift of God's beauty. A sigh of relief that the day is coming to a beautiful, peaceful end and surrendering control to the Author and Perfecter of that day. Last evening as the girls and I tromped up the hill home one final time, the 8-year-old confessed how she would remember me: by the colors of the evening sky. 

Our airplane is chasing the sun west as I fly toward California--home--at the exact time the sky is transitioning to pink, orange, grey. And I'm reminded of Jamaica, Beecher Town. Of the beautiful people I've grown to love, of the lives who have touched and influenced mine. Warm tears stream silently down my cheeks as I close my eyes and strive to remember. The landscapes. The smells. The sounds. The faces. You.

I remember in the midst of it all the God who put me there, who is in control. Of the only thing that matters in this beautiful, broken adventure we call life: sanctification. Growth.

There are times I felt like the past 4 weeks of our lives were like watching a scene from a movie, refusing to accept the reality that I was the co-star facing tragic, undesirable loss at the end. I kept repeating in my head, Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. My heart hurts so. badly. tonight. But with no regrets.

Know that you made a difference in my life in a way that no one else could have.