My mom has always been especially sensitive to emotional things. Hallmark commercials, a childbirth in a movie scene, hurting people, you name it and she cries. As a kid I thought it was ridiculous to be sitting next to a box of tissues at the end of "Dances with Wolves." I was never really a sensitive person myself...until recently.
I noticed this habit occurring about a month ago when I would come home thinking through things (work, ministry, direction in life, etc.) and find myself crying after a few minutes. I found myself weeping at work or driving home from youth group. I would call my mom on especially hard days and just cry through talking to her. Sorry, mom. I'm sure that wasn't too easy on you.
Over Thanksgiving a friend & I were talking about how we've never cried during a particularly good sermon or corporate worship service. He commented how he feels kinda guilty about it; like others are more holy than him because they're lead to tears through their experience. This is not true for obvious reasons, but still intriguing to think about. As we were having that conversation I was thinking about how I cry, but not at stuff. Not because I'm learning something new and phenomenal or because my emotions are triggered by noise or pictures. I don't cry at people's circumstances or death.
I cry when I don't "get it" or can't seem to understand what God is doing in the midst of my life. I cry about souls that don't know our Creator God. For Abigail who is showing so much understanding of spiritual things in her limited 5-year-old heart. I cry over my high school girls who are dealing with rebellion toward their parents. I cry after reading missionary letters of villagers coming to an understanding of their sin and Savior. I cry when I'm tired of running the race. I cry out of frustration or when things don't go the way I hoped they would. A couple of weeks ago I cried after someone text messaged me (it had been a long day, and they didn't mean the message in the way I thought).
I definitely cry on a weekly basis, sometimes multiple times a week. I don't want to be a "dumb girl" about it, though. If I must cry, I want to cry for the things that matter. Like Jesus who wept not because Lazarus had died, but because the people around him just didn't get it. They didn't understand who He was. I want to cry like Mary at Jesus' death. Like someone who had a greater understanding of the loss that was happening. I want to weep like Joseph did when he saw his brother Benjamin after so many years of separation. I want to shed tears like the Prodigal son's father did when his repentant son came home. In short, I want to be moved by the things that move the heart of God.
I'm praying through and learning what it means to not be circumstantial, but to be moved and changed by the circumstances of life that God so delicately and perfectly places us in.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
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