Friday, March 16, 2007

one of those days

I cried a lot yesterday. It was just "one of those days." I am writing about it today because I was so physically, spiritually and emotionally exhausted by the time I got home last night (last night of being home, too) that I had nothing to give. The day was extremely sobering. I spent an incredible amount of time wandering around aimlessly--outside, inside, to the front deck, down the street, back again--just thinking. The weather is beautiful and my heart was full. Being around people that I do not normally see (family, old friends, neighbors) causes me to think. I think about their salvation and if I will see them in paradise. I think about my responsibility to share Christ with them. I think about my own relationship with the Father and how my actions reveal my true heart's intent.

There was a skateboarder coming towards me as I was walking down the street. His iPod was in, backpack on, and he seemed to be content in boarding down the hill to whatever destination. Out of habit I looked him in the eye, smiled and nodded as our paths crossed. He looked at me with a bit of confusion in that split-second. I wonder if he knows Christ. I wonder if I'll ever see him again, to be able to ask him that question.

I have shared with some of you the spiritual pull on deciding how cross-cultural missions fits into my life. As college comes to an end and more and more options become readily available, I often think about taking the step of moving into career mission work. In eighth grade I read Jim Elliot's biography and discovered my heart for unreached people groups. Sure, I get to spend part of this summer in that exact context, but that's not a lifetime. How does a believer determine where God wants them? Summer and I talked about this on Wednesday night. We were talking about not being sure what the future holds (are any of us sure, for that matter?), and that not being sure is living by faith. This is what God requires, and this is what we should be ecstatic about. Why am I not?

I got an email from Brad Buser yesterday. He is probably the person I have discussed this most with, and his words became very real to me:
"I DO understand your fear...but you'll regret at some level letting that fear hold sway over how you serve your King. To look you in the eye and say what I'm saying here would be hard, I care much you don't think I'm reckless about what this could mean to you...but you must move forward with courage and conviction with what God has shown you is important to Him. As I said in class and say always....read what Jesus said and do it. Someday we'll ALL be standing before the One who left heaven alone, came and walked with those who didn't understand or appreciate him, died for us...and gave us the incredible privilege of working for His honors sake. Hold back nothing girl...You're crazy to be afraid...but it will be shortsighted to let those fears impinge in any way on what He might have for you. Keep in mind...He's a wonderful, good, understanding Lord...but He must be Lord first."

I got to visit the Jordan family last night--sat out with Lance and Meredith and had dinner with the girls. Times like that spent with people such as the Jordans are cherished deeply in my heart. Meredith and I talked about fears and desires and how they all play into God's redemption plan for the world. Like Brad wrote, it will be shortsighted to let fears impinge in any way on what God might have for us.

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